


Clarity

by Hikaru9Yume



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Magnus Bane, Hopeful Magnus Bane, Hurt Magnus Bane, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, POV Magnus Bane, Sad Magnus Bane, introspective
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2018-12-24 17:44:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12017850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikaru9Yume/pseuds/Hikaru9Yume
Summary: Every chapter is a Malec one shot set in the canon universe."And it happened.He tried to hide it. Oh, he tried. He could still do it: he could fake everything was alright, that nothing was wrong; after all, how could it be? He had Alexander, his job, his home, and damned eternity. He could plaster his smile on and be happy for Alexander. He could and he absolutely would, no excuses. But his façade was cracking."





	1. Clarity

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 1  
> In between 2x15 and 2x16.  
> Magnus’s pov: how he deals with the fact that he shared his past with Alec.

It was out. Out in the open.

He did it. It really happened. They talked; _he_ talked, actually. Was it only the evening before? It seemed like a lot more time passed.

 _Still_.

He had no idea how he did it. Well, to be honest, he did know _how_. Someone was there, for him. Someone important: Alexander.

He remembers clearly. He remembers how he promised himself he wouldn't ruin it; he promised himself and Alexander he would take matters into his hands, that he would embrace the effort. That he would make it work. He had to.

Because, from the first moment he laid eyes on him, he _knew_. He knew it could be something special; that maybe, his heart, his broken, turned into stone, heart, could reopen itself to life and love, if only...

 _If only_.

Scary, weren’t they? The “if”s. _What if_ Alexander discovered everything about his family, about his past lovers, about his real self. _What if_ , at some point, he glimpsed the reflection of what really was sleeping inside himself in his golden eyes.

  
Abomination, that person said.  
_Monster_ , someone shouted.  
_Evil_ , another voice whispered.

  
And how was it even possible Alexander wouldn't notice it? At some point, Alec would. He would slip; he couldn't put his mask up all the time, all days, all seconds. It was tiring. And Alexander transformed everything around him: the air he was breathing, the atmosphere he was drowning in, the feelings he was forgetting.  
He noticed, every single day, every single moment of their relationship, how everything around him was simply changing; his thoughts would go to that tall, beautiful, gentle man, who had mesmerized him from the very first moment; his eyes would seek him out every time he was in the same room; he would search for his scent on his pillows; his body would relax the moment he was around. He was home.

Alexander was his heart.

Everything became easier and more complicated at the same time. Alec was simply _the one_ , he knew it. But Alexander would notice, sooner or later. He was far too intelligent and understanding not to.

And it happened.

He tried to hide it. Oh, he tried. He could still do it: he could fake everything was alright, that nothing was wrong; after all, how could it be? He had Alexander, his job, his home, and damned eternity. He could plaster his smile on and be happy for Alexander. He could and he absolutely would, no excuses. But his façade was cracking.

He couldn't sleep. He couldn't close his eyes. He couldn't forget. He couldn't ignore. He couldn't breathe.  
But when Alec was there, yes, he could do it; he could draw air into his tired lungs; he could take a step ahead and believe everything was alright. He was alive, he could do it.

But he was lying.

Alexander asked if he was okay; if anything was amiss; if he could do anything.

  
“Yes, Alexander.”  
“I'm okay, Alexander.”  
“Nothing is wrong, Alexander.”

 _  
Lies_ , _lies_ , _lies_. All lies.

Until his heart started whispering: _What if_.  
Maybe Alec was really the one; so what if he could accept him and that terrible reflection? What if he could heal him? And if he didn't, at least it was in the open. No more worrying, no more hiding, no more pretending.  
Alexander would know and he would have no responsibilities: he was finally being honest, sharing, making an effort. And if his lover would stare at him, scared, terrified, _disgusted_ ; stand up, turn his back, and retreat to his front door, to put _space_ , space between him and that abomination, to run away… So be it. It would be over. He would be free without his heart, finally free to go back where Camille stopped him all those years ago.

 _But what if_ , his heart said. Maybe Alexander would be gentle; stare at him, and tell him he loved him anyway; because Alec wouldn't lie for his sake: if he hated him he would tell him; if he loved him, he would scream it. Ah, the possibility of that.

 _Never, never_ , his mind answered.

And yet… it _happened_.

Magnus stops in the middle of the room, his hand frozen on the necklace he's been fixing for the tenth time. _It is out, in the open_. It really happened, and it really was only the evening before. And Alexander, sweet, beautiful, gentle Alexander, accepted it all. He absorbed the words that were tumbling from his mouth on their own, telling him all about his family, about his disgusting evil side, about the terrible memory that was haunting him. And he just smiled and accepted it all, with a serene expression.

And he swears he saw the other man's shoulders squaring, sharing the burden of that damnable memory with him, making some space inside his mind, inside his heart, gifting him of a promise for a future, a better life, _a loving life_.

He had been so stupid.

Magnus relaxes his body, drawing a long breath, his eyes meeting his reflection in the mirror.  
He had been so stupid of doubting his heart. Didn't he learn by now? His love wasn't Imasu; he wasn't Camille; he wasn't Dot. He was _Alexander_. His beautiful, selfless Alexander.

He should have known, he should have shared it before, instead of wasting all those days trapped in his head, in his sadness and anger.  
Well, it is gone anyway, it wasn't as if-

His head snaps left, where his phone is buzzing suddenly on the bedside table. He blinks several times before hurrying towards it. His lips curl into a smile while he reaches his destination: he sees Alexander's name popping up on the screen.  
While his hand picks up the phone, the other absentmindedly smoothes the non-existing wrinkles on his shirt. He squares his shoulders just has his lover had, sharing his terrible burden. He will do the same.

Yes, he would support and help Alexander in his position as Head of the Institute; he would take care of him, remind him of dinner, of sleeping, of resting. He would be supportive as well. Alexander deserves it.

As his heart swells with positivity, for once, he touches the screen of his phone and opens the message.

 

 

 

 

> From: _Alexander  
>  __14:59_
> 
> _Paperwork is neverending. Miss you._

  
His hand clutches the phone, his knuckles turning white. He closes his eyes.  
A message, a single message and everything changes completely: life is better, his heart clenches with delight.

 _Yes_. Effort. Support. He _will_ do this right. Alexander deserves it.


	2. Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is a novelty in the fact that someone would decide to knock on his door and apologize to him.
> 
> He tried to hide how it was hurting him, seeing this connection of theirs establishing itself in such a special way – in front of everyone, with bravery and silent promises – to see it then crumble into the usual pattern of ruin, with misunderstandings and personal pain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2  
> In between 2x01 and 2x02.  
> Magnus’s pov: how he deals with the discussions with Alec and the apologize.

There is a novelty in the fact that someone would decide to knock on his door and apologize to him.

He tried to hide how it was hurting him, seeing this connection of theirs establishing itself in such a special way – in front of everyone, with bravery and silent promises – to see it then crumble into the usual pattern of ruin, with misunderstandings and personal pain.

He is trying hard not to think about his relationship with Alexander in these terms. He promised himself after the wedding and that beautiful kiss, that he is going to wait and respect the Shadowhunter as he’s learning to respect himself as well. He won’t interfere by sharing his own fears, nor his past, and he will wait and see how things develop, if they harvest what they have created, if they manage to make it last and worthy.

Thus, when Alexander snapped just earlier today and they had their first small fight, he tried to be understanding at first: Jace is missing. He is his brother, his parabatai; he means the world to Alec.

Things got worse, however, and he had promised himself years ago, after what happened with Camille, after he had tried to love Dot, that he would respect himself more in the future, without falling in the usual routine of hope and false dreams.

Because he keeps on deceiving himself; or, at least, he had. He always hoped he would find that special person, the one who will hold his heart in their hands like a jewel, loving him like he loves back: with all their heart.

But something always happens.

He turns his attention away, hiding his hurt. He accepts, even if he wants more. He hopes, only to be disappointed.

Sometimes, during long nights of rain, after a slow and lifeless day, sadness takes him over. He realizes how he feels utterly alone, thinking that there’s simply no one right for him. Because he’s too much, because he’s not enough, because there’s no one, out there, who can’t live without him.

He remembers thinking it when he met Alexander too, after he told him about the wedding. Just when he found someone who was able to create such a beautiful sparkle in his life, giving him back a craving for living, the universe decided to steal that away from him.

He fought, somehow.

And finally.

A surprise after another.

And now, after Alexander came to apologize and went back to the Institute to find his brother, there’s a tiny flicker in his heart. A gleam of hope.

Maybe he has finally found someone who respects him. Maybe, he has found someone who will love him for who he is, and not for a superficial and illusory _image_ of him. Maybe, there is someone who will learn things about him without turning away in horror. Who will listen to what he has to say and offer, without leaving him after years because it’s not fun anymore, he’s not safe anymore, he’s not special enough, he’s simply not the right one.

Maybe, he has finally found someone who will miss him every day, and who won’t want to live without him.

Because he knows, _he knows_ , deep down, his heart has already decided.

He has found the right person for him, at last. He has found _the one_.

He has found Alexander.


	3. Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Alexander may die. Here or in his apartment; now or in the following hours, it doesn’t matter. He may die before his eyes and there’s nothing, nothing, he can do. Because he’s not enough. Because, even if love has finally knocked on his door, basking his soul with promises and hope, he’s too weak to hold it, embrace it and never let go.
> 
> He has failed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3  
> 2x03  
> The first scene is set right before they transfer Alec to Magnus's apartment; the second right when Alec wakes up, towards the end of the epsidose.  
> Magnus’s pov as always.

_I have allowed this warlock into the Institute for the sole purpose of treating your brother. Although, you don’t seem to be doing too good a job of it._

Those words. Those words will be haunting him for a good while.

He knows they were said to lash out against him on purpose, showing, once again, how some Shadowhunters consider the Downworlders as weaker and inferior.

Still. They hurt. Every single one of them. It hurts knowing that Alexander is sick and he’s not enough. That his magic is too weak. That _he_ is too weak.

He’s useless.

 

There is a trembling in his hands. The shiver starts at first as an eerie sensation and it takes him some seconds to realize that his fingers are shaking.

He can’t stop the shuddering that is seeping through his limbs either, following the rhythm of his terrified heart. There’s a coldness in his chest that makes it difficult for him to concentrate.

He can’t take his eyes off of Alexander. He knows he has suddenly stopped preparing the new medicine, and that he’s sitting, stiff and motionless, next to Alec’s bed in the Institute. Raj is still unconscious near the door while Izzy is somewhere preparing for the secret transfer.

He should resume his search for a cure, his preparations for the portal, but he can’t.

Alexander is dying and his magic is not enough to save him.

Some hours ago, he was so sure he could save him, before Aldertree’s words, before Raj’s silent presence behind his back, following his every gesture, telling him with no hesitation that his powers can’t help Alexander, that he is of no use.

He was so angry.

Angry at both men, for talking to him with no respect. At himself, for not being able to wake Alec up and stare at his beautiful eyes again.

Now, he’s just sad.

 

 _His magic can’t last forever. Sooner or later, he's goingto burn out_.

 _You don’t seem to be doing too good a job of it_.

 _If you can’t help him, then you need to go_.

 _He’s clearly not waking up any time soon_.

 

He tears his eyes away from Alexander’s white and feverish face. He watches, dazed, as his fingers keep on trembling on their own, his body reacting at the possibility.

Alexander may die. Here or in his apartment; now or in the following hours, it doesn’t matter. He may die before his eyes and there’s nothing, _nothing_ , he can do. Because he’s not enough. Because, even if love has finally knocked on his door, basking his soul with promises and hope, he’s too weak to hold it, embrace it and never let go.

He has failed.

 

***

 

Everything has faded away. His apartment, Clary, Isabelle, Jace. There’s only Alexander’s body clear in his sight, an empty shell that will remind him every day of what he could have had. Now, he will never know whether they had a future together.

It’s different from all the other times he lost someone. Whenever someone he had loved passed away, sadness came over him. It would overwhelm him completely, forcing him to stay home, gazing longingly outside the windows, reminiscing every moment, every detail, every mistake and false promise.

Hope has always been his torment. The hope of finding the perfect soul matching his.

A hundred years ago, his hope died. It faded away, scattered by dark thoughts and painful heartache.

 _No more_ , he promised himself.

No more.

Until Alexander.

It’s different from all the other times, because _this_ time, it’s the end. There will never be someone else for Magnus, no matter the little time he and Alexander had managed to be together, no matter the size of the sparkle they had created in each other’s life.

There’s no sadness, this time. Only a void. His heart is gone with him, somewhere he hopes he will reach too, some day.

 

He feels his own sharp intake of breath when he hears Alexander’s words answering Jace’s. Warm and solid fingers entwine through his: Clary’s hand holding his.

He watches, bewildered, not daring to trust the small hopeful shimmer in his mind, telling him that perhaps Jace did it. Perhaps, Alexander his back.

It’s like he’s watching the scene from afar, not from inside his body: Aldertree and his Shadowhunters arresting Jace, Alec’s pale but alive face, brow furrowed in confusion, Isabelle beside him.

He should intervene, he should speak, he should… do something.

But he can’t.

The trembling in his fingers is back.

And this time, it’s not because of hate for himself or fear.

It’s because hope is back. And it’s gathering the thousand pieces of his shattered heart back together.


End file.
